How Not to Talk to Your Kids

A special thanks to Jenny for sending me the article and discussing it with me!

This will be a long blog, but this is an article that totally affected the way I think about parenting and praise, so I thought it was really important to share it. You can find the complete article at http://www.nymag.com/news/features/27840.

Abstract of “How Not to Talk to Your Kids: The Inverse Power of Praise” by Po Bronson in the New York Magazine:
In an experiment, 400 students were given a verbal IQ test. All did well, but half were told that they were smart (praised for intelligence) and half were told they worked hard (praised for effort). In subsequent tests, those praised for intelligence opted to take easier tests or, after failing a test that no one could pass, did 20% worse on the tests they had already passed. Those praised for effort were more eager to take tests that were challenging and, after failing the test that they couldn’t pass, still improved by 30% on tests they had taken previously.

According to Dweck, the researcher, “Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control. They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child’s control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to failure.”

When children are consistently told they are smart, they see less reason to make an effort: they can either do something or they can’t. If they can’t do it right away, they have no motivation to try again because it shows they weren’t smart enough to do it the first time. Students praised for intelligence also become more concerned with appearing smart to others (and in comparison to others) than in putting in extra effort. Those praised for effort are less concerned with how they appear.

In another study, 700 students were separated into two groups: one was taught study skills and the other was taught study skills and about brain development. The second group did consistently better in their classes afterwards because they were taught that the brain is a muscle that grows and creates new connections with effort and that intelligence is not necessarily innate. You become smarter the harder you work your brain.

Almost all parents think it’s important to praise their kids on their intelligence to build their self-esteem. Baumeister, another researcher, believes it’s because that praise is tied to parents’ pride in their children and that praising the children reflects well on the parents.

This is not to say that all praise is bad: specific concrete praise aimed at actions that one can control is a positive motivator that produces results. These actions might be being persistent, concentrating, sharing, helping someone else, asking insightful questions, practicing a skill, having a discussion about something. And all praise must be sincere; otherwise, eventually children will stop listening to it altogether.

Praising effort gives children a strategy to deal with failure—work harder and try again. Those who develop this persistence are better equipped to deal with life. They are able to delay gratification and rebound from failure and difficulty. Instead of children who are “praise junkies,” motivated only to get more praise for doing well, we will have children who have learned how to be successful through their own actions.

Personal Reaction:
Holy cow! First of all, I can say that I am a recovering praise junkie. For years, I lived for praise . . . I was (and still sometimes am) risk averse and mostly interested in doing those things that I already knew I did well. I resisted practicing the piano because I could often pass my lessons without doing it, until high school when I couldn’t get away with it anymore. I wasn’t sure what to do with myself when I started college because school had never been so hard for me before. Over the course of a number of years (especially since I’ve been married), I have worked hard to try to do things that I’ve never done or that are hard for me to do. But it’s still a real struggle.

So as a parent, I’m hoping to be able to praise those things that will help my children later. It’s hard not to tell them they’re so smart, especially when you really think they are . . . but I’m trying to keep the greater perspective to raise independent children who will make wise decisions.